Ok, if you follow my motorsport blog you'll realise that two updates in a row is very rare for me. However this morning I think a combination of sleep deprivation, too much sugar at breakfast and overthinking has led me to write this.
As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I'm applying for PhDs this year with a view to start next autumn. I've decided to move away from psychology and towards neuroscience, as I find biological explanations of behaviour and illness more tangible. That's not to say that psychological explanations and theories don't have their place (believe me, they do), I'm just more interested in the underlying physical processes behind these.
My current university isn't great for neuroscience. Yes, I worked predominantly in clinical neuroscience across my placement and will do so for my final year project, however the resources we have are severely limited, which makes working in this field somewhat harder. So, I've decided to move away. Or, at least, I'm trying to.
As some of you will be aware (and probably sick of hearing about - sorry!), I'm currently mulling over my best choice of PhD. I'm aiming for good universities with excellent international reputations for neuroscience, and universities which offer fully funded four-year programmes. Until a couple of weeks ago, I'd excluded universities outside of London - and that includes Oxford and Cambridge. They just didn't appeal to me. After nearly four years in the same small city, I wanted to move somewhere that would have plenty of things to see and do. After looking into my options, I'd set my heart on one university in particular, and was set to apply for a few programmes there. I'd also applied for a 'back-up' option. So far so good, you'd think.
Well, as with everything in life, it's never that straightforward. I had a chat with my academic supervisor a few weeks back. After telling him that, yes, I was sure I didn't want to stay at my university, he agreed to be one of my referees for my applications. Great. However, he then told me that I should really be applying to Oxford. Or Cambridge. Or Harvard. That's when things suddenly became less clear, and led me to today's predicament.
Alright, Harvard I excluded immediately. While it's one of the best universities and neuroscience labs in the world, I didn't want to spend five years in a country so far away. I enjoy going home on the weekend to see my family (and watch F1), and I'm reluctant to give that up. Plus, the funding situation was incredibly unclear. However, Oxford and Cambridge - they could be good options.
I'd initially excluded Oxbridge because I simply didn't want to live there. A few days after my supervisor's initial suggestion, I had returned to my previous plan of applying to my chosen London university. Then, my supervisor suggested it again - more persuasively this time. In hindsight, I should have asked him to convince me why Oxbridge was a better choice than London, other than the name. Yeah, I'm a good student and I should be applying for the best universities, but why specifically those ones? No doubt, I'll ask him again in time. After this second suggestion, I looked more closely at what courses and programmes the two universities had to offer. Cambridge, it seems, doesn't offer the four year programmes I'm after. So, that was another university excluded. I was still left with Oxford though, and this time there's a programme which has potential. My dilemma remained.
Once again, I stopped thinking about PhDs for a while, and decided to ignore the possibility of going to Oxford. I'd simply stick to my original plan of the London universities. Problem solved? Of course not. When I went to my presentation evening last week, a second lecturer suggested I should go to Oxbridge. Again, being the fool that I am, I didn't ask why I should go there. This time, I've remained in a genuine quandary about my best option, and now the choice of which university to go to is turning over and over in my mind most of the time. From the programmes I like, three are equally good options. Two are in London, and one is in Oxford. I just have no idea which one is the best option.
The simple solution is to make a list of what I do and don't like about each programme. I tried that, and all come out equal on paper. You know that old saying about listening to either your head or your heart (which is, by the way, nonsense - everything comes from your brain)? Well, both of mine are stuck for ideas. I'm on my own. I suppose my next step is to ask someone else why Oxford is a better option (if, indeed, it is). I have a rough idea of who to speak to, so hopefully that will give me a bit more clarity. If not, then I guess I'll still be just as confused right up until I get any offers for places. Actually, I'll probably still be in this dilemma even when I get offers. I just don't know.
I know, I shouldn't complain. It's a great position to be in. Which of the best universities shall I choose? Wonderful! However, it's stressful. Really stressful. I don't know which way to turn or whose advice to believe. I'm currently anxiety personified. I'm sure whatever I choose, there will be things I like and things I dislike - that's life. But, I don't want to forever regret missing an opportunity, or spend another four years living somewhere I don't particularly enjoy. Sure, my future won't be decided in a day. Following a PhD, I have to do at least one postdoc, and I could go to the 'unchosen' university. But, which is the best option now?
Of course, all this is assuming that I even get any offers. It could be that only one university accepts me, in which case my problem is solved! If nobody accepts me, then I guess I have a whole new kind of problem. I try not to think about that one. I expect I'll apply everywhere, but I fear I'm delaying an inevitable choice. All I have to hope for now is a sudden epiphany, a eureka moment. However, with my brain the way it currently is, I doubt this will happen any time soon.
Overall, it's quite a funny situation. My brain can't decide where to go and learn more about how brains work. I expect one day, I'll look back and laugh. Right now, I'll sit here confused for a while longer.
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