Selling Yourself

Today marks the start of week 3 of the academic year - only 29 weeks of term left! Ok, this really is nothing to get excited about, but I suppose it's progress. After a sleep-deprived weekend (no, don't worry, I haven't suddenly turned into your average party-going student - I watched F1 early in the morning instead), I've spent all day today reading textbooks and journal articles.

When I first 'came back' to uni (let's face it, I never really left over the summer break), I had to admit it was a struggle getting back into the swing of things. I spent the past year on placement, and I was so used to working - running studies and EEGs and so forth. I found it incredibly difficult to sit and read through something I wasn't overly interested in, but had to for my courses. I was so used to reading up-to-date articles about neuroscience (neurological disorders and brain stimulation mainly), that reading dusty old sociology books about labelling theory and articles about theory of mind just didn't do anything for me. I think it was the first time in my life I had been so apathetic. Sure, I read about stuff I didn't like before, but I could see the point in doing that (passing my exams). By contrast, this stuff seems pointless, irrelevant and boring...

However, today I think I've turned a corner. I remember how I did it in second year. I would say that studying is like riding a bike - you never really forget - but since I can't actually ride a bike... You get the picture. I've managed to power my way through most of the week's reading (bar the dusty clinical psychology stuff - that's a job for tomorrow), and I have the headache and neckache to prove it. While the reading hasn't really brought me anything in the way of progress towards the end of my degree, it's all preparation for the final exams and thus, my ticket out. Now, if only they'd give me something interesting and new to read...

Something I haven't managed to do is finish writing my cover letter for one of the PhD programmes I'm applying for. This is the programme I desperately want, and so I have to get this cover letter right. However, I seem to have spent the last half an hour just staring at the screen of my computer. I've got the broad format of what I want to say, but it's difficult to say it. I need to 'sell myself' all the websites tell me. Great. Only I'm not too good at that. Sure, my academic record speaks for itself, and I have tons of experience, I just don't know how to say any of this without sounding like a complete moron.

I've never been too great at talking up my achievements. When I think about what I've done over the last three years of my degree, the experience I've gained, the knowledge I've built up, it's a lot. But it doesn't seem that way to me. I'm so used to running studies and getting great grades, I can't make it sound exciting. I've been told I'm too modest with my achievements. I've also been told I'm too arrogant. I've been told I'm not confident enough. I've been told I'm too cocky. I can't really win. When I write in the typical cover letter style, I sound like I'm bragging, and I feel like nobody would particularly like me as a person. When I tone it down, I sound like a complete idiot. So, for the moment I have a bad case of writer's block - something incredibly rare for me. I don't like it, and it's another thing driving me insane.

I suppose a lot of this is to do with my personality. I'm 'quietly confident', as my supervisor put it. I know I'm a good student, I know how to work towards something, but I just don't like to talk about it in detail too much. I think if I manage to get an interview, I'd easily be able to talk about my achievements and why I'd be suited for a PhD. On paper, it's not so easy - I think I spend half the time staring at the screen, and the other half cringing at what I've written. Sadly, quiet confidence is hard to get across in a letter, so I think I'm stuck at sounding arrogant or sounding like an idiot. In any case, the deadline for applications is a fair way away, so for now I'm waiting for a sudden hit of inspiration, and I'll stick with the quiet angst about what to write while reading my dusty books.