Decisions

I knew applying for postgraduate places would be a rollercoaster, but I didn't think it would be this bad. Needless to say, I've not had much luck on the PhD front. I knew the programmes I was applying for were competitive, but what I didn't consider was the influence of internal applicants and the value of a master's degree. Coupled with a horrible interview last week, I think I can definitely say I've reached the lowest point of the rollercoaster, and now I have some tough decisions to make.

Over the last four years (well, six if you include my A-Level years too), I've worked incredibly hard to get anywhere close to fulfilling my ambitions. I decided to take an extra year to finish my degree so that I could gain experience, and hopefully bypass the need to obtain an MSc degree before embarking on a PhD. Since the second year of university, I've been working on various research projects. I've seen patients, worked on novel neuromodulation techniques with patients and I've even published a paper. My supervisors and other academic tutors all told me it should be possible to get a place on a PhD programme - even at top universities. I was encouraged to go to Oxbridge and even Harvard university due to my academic record. So, the fact that I've been unsuccessful is a bit baffling, and at the moment I'm left confused and fed up that I'm in the same position I would have been in had I finished my degree a year earlier.

I'm not annoyed at my academic tutors - they've been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When I have asked for some sort of an explanation for why things haven't worked out, I've been informed that universities often favour applicants who are already students there. So, in programmes where there are no more than 6 places and 300 applicants, you can imagine the level of competition. While I've got experience and a very high degree average, it seems this isn't enough when my performance is compared with, say, a MSc student already at the university I want to go to.

So, what next? Honestly, I don't know. My only real option is to complete a master's degree, but I'd have to throw over £9,000 on tuition fees for one year, plus travel or living expenses to London. I'm looking at spending £15,000 in a single year. Sure, it's an investment, but to use all of that money on one year with no guarantee of progressing further afterwards is terrifying. Once I would have finished the MSc, I would have little or no money (at best - at worst, I'd be in more debt on top of the near £30,000 I've already spent on the BSc). That means no cushion on starting my PhD - and PhD stipends aren't exactly huge. There's no easy answer to this, and right now I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to make a decision.

I read a report about encouraging women to stay on in science (which you can read here, if you're really interested). While women are encouraged to study STEM subjects, they don't tend to follow careers in this area. Science is difficult to get into, and a lot of sacrifices have to be made. Social lives and relationships may suffer in the pursuit of a career. Honestly, I'm prepared for this should I get into neuroscience. I don't think I've wanted something so much as this - I love the work I've done so far, and I would enjoy a career that enables me to use my knowledge to do something good. However, the main barrier for me is the master's degree. I feel that science is a closed door to people who don't have money to throw at degrees, and this is a much bigger barrier than gender.

If I had the money right now, I would go for the degree. At least that way I knew I would have done everything I could to get into the field, and if it didn't work out then so be it. However, I don't have the money, and I'm not sure to make the money in time. I don't particularly want to take a year out and work minimum wage jobs to get anywhere close to the tuition fees - I would rather work as a research assistant, as it would give me another year's experience. Problem is, research assistantships don't tend to pay much money, and there's no guarantee that any jobs will be around once I finish my BSc. My other option is to give up, and find an alternative career. I'm just not sure what I'm good at beyond passing exams and conducting research.

Right now, things don't feel great. All I can hope for is that something will turn up, but I'm fed up of putting my life on hold. If I knew I had no hope or ability in this field, things wouldn't feel so bad, but the fact that my main barrier is money is a form of torture. It's not fair, and it's not right, but I can do nothing about it. At least I know that, whatever happens, I'll leave university with a good degree - even if I'm not sure what to do with it right now.